I Warned You Not to Touch That

Archive for May, 2010

Bad Advice – Technically Troubled

by on May.20, 2010, under Bad Advice

I have a small computer repair business.  A 90-year-old woman called me to get rid of a virus on her computer.  After fixing the problem, she continues to call me complaining that she can’t access her email and other programs.  To complicate matters, her 95-year-old husband died six months ago and took all their passwords to his grave.  As many times as I’ve shown her how to do things on her PC, she keeps forgetting and calls wanting me to fix things that are working.  She doesn’t remember my name yet she knows exactly how much she’s paid me.  What should I do?

Technically Troubled


Since she’s so forgetful, explain to her that you’ve never touched her computer and that you are, in fact, her long lost son.  When she mentions the obscene amount she’s already paid you, tell her it was a birthday check which you reluctantly cashed.  As your relationship with her becomes closer, mention you’ll need her social security number should, God forbid, she ever die.  In time, you’ll find it easy to garner credit cards in her name and collect the benefit checks she gets from the government. 

As her newly minted kin, tell her she needs to get out of the house more and bring her to a theme park.  Those delightful attractions can do wonders to lift her spirits.  Don’t bother with the wimpy teacup ride with all the toddlers.  She needs excitement in her life.  Look for rides with names like “Death Wish,”  “Scream Machine,” or “Nitrous Hurl Gurl.”  Before you go blasting off, be sure to enter her in the chili-eating contest and take her on a stroll through the warped mirror maze.

She may be a bit jittery after day of fun in the sun, so kick back at the Wild West Saloon, and let the shots of Jagermeister fly.  It’ll be even more fun if you challenge her to a drinking contest.  She’s bound to gain some new friends at the bar and might even win back some of the money she’s paid you.  Don’t forget, she’s the designated driver.  If she can’t remember where she lost her dentures, tell her she’s been at home all day and they’re probably in the glass by her bed.  When you leave, take her computer with you.  She’ll never miss it.

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Bad Advice – Frustrated Hosts

by on May.07, 2010, under Bad Advice

My husband and I recently hosted a party.  We sent the invitations long in advance, and they said that the party was for adults only.  One couple brought their two young children.  This was an evening affair, complete with drinking and adult conversation.  Having these two children present was more than a distraction.  It dictated the behavior of all the other guests.  It’s not as though we were planning an orgy or wished to do anything illegal.  It’s just that children being around changed the dynamic, and adults had to watch their language and actions.  What could we have done differently?

Frustrated hosts


Your next party invitation should state that, during the orgy, guests will ingest copious amounts of illegal substances.  If they still bring their kids, you’ll need a backup plan.  I don’t know about you, but clowns terrify me.  Clown masks for all your guests should get the ball rolling in the right direction.  If you can afford some real ones, so much the better.  You should also have a doctor on hand to explain that it’s time for their immunizations.  Make sure she tells them, “It’ll only hurt for a minute.”

Most kids are afraid of spiders and snakes.  There must be a pet store that sells these little critters.  Pick up a dozen or two and “accidentially” let the spiders loose in the family room.  To really ramp things up, turn off all the lights and get everyone to sing “Itsy bitsy spider.”  Don’t release the snakes in the same room, as they may dine on the spiders.

In fairness, it hardly seems right to torture the poor kids for the parents’ lack of etiquette.  Tell the parents that little Sarah and Bobby have discovered the Jello shots.  Reassure them that it’s no problem, since there are still a few left for the other guests.  Mention that you have the new version of Jaws in HD with surround sound and see if they’d let the little ones watch it.

Regardless of how traumatized the kids or parents become, it’s important for you to maintain your role as a gracious host while accommodating the needs of your guests.  In addition to the clowns and doctor, consider bringing in a child therapist, in case the kids don’t appreciate the merriment.  Just make sure the children are gone before the orgy starts.

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