I Warned You Not to Touch That

Bad Advice – Frustrated Hosts

by on May.07, 2010, under Bad Advice

My husband and I recently hosted a party.  We sent the invitations long in advance, and they said that the party was for adults only.  One couple brought their two young children.  This was an evening affair, complete with drinking and adult conversation.  Having these two children present was more than a distraction.  It dictated the behavior of all the other guests.  It’s not as though we were planning an orgy or wished to do anything illegal.  It’s just that children being around changed the dynamic, and adults had to watch their language and actions.  What could we have done differently?

Frustrated hosts


Your next party invitation should state that, during the orgy, guests will ingest copious amounts of illegal substances.  If they still bring their kids, you’ll need a backup plan.  I don’t know about you, but clowns terrify me.  Clown masks for all your guests should get the ball rolling in the right direction.  If you can afford some real ones, so much the better.  You should also have a doctor on hand to explain that it’s time for their immunizations.  Make sure she tells them, “It’ll only hurt for a minute.”

Most kids are afraid of spiders and snakes.  There must be a pet store that sells these little critters.  Pick up a dozen or two and “accidentially” let the spiders loose in the family room.  To really ramp things up, turn off all the lights and get everyone to sing “Itsy bitsy spider.”  Don’t release the snakes in the same room, as they may dine on the spiders.

In fairness, it hardly seems right to torture the poor kids for the parents’ lack of etiquette.  Tell the parents that little Sarah and Bobby have discovered the Jello shots.  Reassure them that it’s no problem, since there are still a few left for the other guests.  Mention that you have the new version of Jaws in HD with surround sound and see if they’d let the little ones watch it.

Regardless of how traumatized the kids or parents become, it’s important for you to maintain your role as a gracious host while accommodating the needs of your guests.  In addition to the clowns and doctor, consider bringing in a child therapist, in case the kids don’t appreciate the merriment.  Just make sure the children are gone before the orgy starts.


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