I Warned You Not to Touch That

I just checked and I have over 13,000 pieces of spam in my email’s junk mailbox.  The person who set up my PC put something on it that’s supposed to keep spam from finding me.  I check my mail several times a day and there are always between 50 and 100 new messages.  I’m careful about giving out my email address but it doesn’t seem to matter.  Is there a recommended way for me to solve this problem for good?

 Fed up with spam

Junk email or spam has been vexing humanity since the dawn of infomercials.  Fortunately, there are several easy solutions to your problem.  I use something called a filter.  When shopping for a filter, be sure you get the right kind.  Avoid the type used in air conditioning ductwork or above the manifold on your car.  They can be quite cumbersome and are a real bear to fit into your laptop.  I use the #2 cone-style coffee filters with no bleach added.  They’re inexpensive and will fit easily into your CD drive.  You’ll find they’re very capable when it comes to keeping things from getting into your computer.

 If that doesn’t solve the problem, I’d do an in-depth analysis of the mail you’re being sent.  Perhaps a pattern will emerge.  In my case, I frequently hear from Cheryl Bisque, the Bank of Nigeria and someone named Cholesterol.  I don’t know how the Bank of Nigeria ended up in my junk box but, once I discovered them there, I moved them to my inbox immediately.  These wonderful folks are dying to release millions of dollars to me, through their chartered agent.  I wish the banks in our country were half as generous.  I’m not sure who Cheryl is and I haven’t checked to see what she wants but, with a name like that, it can’t be good.  Once you’ve found where much of your mail is coming from, hand write a personalized note asking them politely to stop sending you unwanted solicitations.  Be sure to use the exact words, “unwanted solicitations.”  There are few things more moving than a handwritten personalized plea.

If neither of these approaches works, buy a new PC.  It’s a more expensive option but you’ll be starting fresh and none of the people currently sending you spam will know about your new machine. Don’t consider the environment or bother recycling your old computer.  If the manatees won’t eat it, you can always dispose of it at the bottom of a pristine lake. 

My husband and I have become friendly with a young couple we know from church.  They are in their early 20’s and we are old enough to be their parents.  We had them for dinner at 6pm the other night.  At 10pm, they were still going strong.  Finally, at 11pm they left.  We’re usually in bed before that hour.  They’re a lovely couple and we enjoy their company but we would have been happier if they’d left 90 minutes earlier.  Is there a tactful way to let dinner guests know it’s time to leave?

Too much of a good thing

There must be some subtle hints you could drop to help them get the message they’ve overextended their welcome.  Unfortunately, a bomb threat would necessitate your leaving as well.  Food poisoning could work but your guests might wonder why they weren’t sick.  Going into labor?  That’s a possibility.  This happens frequently on I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.  Many women feel kicking inside of them and think nothing of it.  Have you considered cranking up the sound system with some Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas music? 

Perhaps you could launch into some inane story about the guy you really wanted to marry.  If you don’t have one, this is your chance to exercise some creativity.  When your husband says, “You never told me about Siegfried,” just laugh it off and say, “Of course I did, sweetie.  Don’t you remember?  He was a real tiger.  I’m sure things would’ve been different if Roy hadn’t come along.”  Be sure to bait him with tantalizing tidbits about the time your true love wore a leopard skin loincloth to the beach.

Of course, a little alcohol will go a long way to escalate matters.  Explain to your church friends that you never used to drink until you met your husband.  Tell them it’s a wonderful way to start the day.  I’m sure they’d also be interested to learn the reason you never had children.  It’s no secret that everything is working properly on your end.  Right?

There are few things better than a good fight to help your guests want to call it a night.  Best of all, once the word gets around at church, you’ll be too embarrassed to attend and never see them again.

My everyday flatware is a set of stainless steel that I purchased over twenty years ago.  At this point, it is difficult to keep clean and I’ve grown tired of the pattern.  I also have a set of sterling silver flatware with a simple design that I love.

As I see it, I have two choices: use my set of sterling silver flatware or purchase a new set of stainless steel.  It seems like a waste of money to buy a new set of stainless flatware, even if I found a set I like.

I grew up using sterling silver every day that my parents received as a wedding gift.  Is it acceptable to use sterling silver flatware every day?

 Trying to be proper

Two choices?  That’s all you can come up with?  Let me see if I can broaden your view.  The most obvious option is to eat with your hands.  Long before the invention of sterling or stainless flatware, humans found their hands to be adept at ripping the fleshy outcroppings off hapless dodo birds.  Cleanup is fast and easy.  Just wipe them on the heirloom damask tablecloth your aunt Ginger wove on her antique loom.  No tablecloth?  Use your shirt. 

Fasting has some amazing cleansing benefits.  Ghandi did it, and he lived for quite a while.  Think of the money you’d save on food as well as time spent shopping.  If starvation doesn’t agree with you, consider dining out.  Most fast food places have prepackaged plastic utensils that they hide behind the counters.  All you need to do is order a large water and ask for the stuff.  If you’re lucky enough to work in fast food, it’s also the kind of thing they wouldn’t notice if you pocketed while working the register.  They’re worried about losing currency, not serving utensils. 

I’m sorry to learn your parents forced you to eat exclusively with sterling silverware.  This is a problem I’ve only recently become aware of.  Your life of grandeur moves me.  There must be many who have felt the sharp bite of over-pressed 300 thread count linens.  I’m sure countless women suffer from hyperextension due to weighty diamonds stretching their left arms.  Personally, I almost froze solid on a bus with an overactive air conditioner.  I’d recommend extensive therapy to help you overcome the trauma of your privileged childhood.  Without it, you’re likely to choke on your silver spoon.