I Warned You Not to Touch That

Bad Advice – Trying to be proper

by on Apr.01, 2010, under Bad Advice

My everyday flatware is a set of stainless steel that I purchased over twenty years ago.  At this point, it is difficult to keep clean and I’ve grown tired of the pattern.  I also have a set of sterling silver flatware with a simple design that I love.

As I see it, I have two choices: use my set of sterling silver flatware or purchase a new set of stainless steel.  It seems like a waste of money to buy a new set of stainless flatware, even if I found a set I like.

I grew up using sterling silver every day that my parents received as a wedding gift.  Is it acceptable to use sterling silver flatware every day?

 Trying to be proper


Two choices?  That’s all you can come up with?  Let me see if I can broaden your view.  The most obvious option is to eat with your hands.  Long before the invention of sterling or stainless flatware, humans found their hands to be adept at ripping the fleshy outcroppings off hapless dodo birds.  Cleanup is fast and easy.  Just wipe them on the heirloom damask tablecloth your aunt Ginger wove on her antique loom.  No tablecloth?  Use your shirt. 

Fasting has some amazing cleansing benefits.  Ghandi did it, and he lived for quite a while.  Think of the money you’d save on food as well as time spent shopping.  If starvation doesn’t agree with you, consider dining out.  Most fast food places have prepackaged plastic utensils that they hide behind the counters.  All you need to do is order a large water and ask for the stuff.  If you’re lucky enough to work in fast food, it’s also the kind of thing they wouldn’t notice if you pocketed while working the register.  They’re worried about losing currency, not serving utensils. 

I’m sorry to learn your parents forced you to eat exclusively with sterling silverware.  This is a problem I’ve only recently become aware of.  Your life of grandeur moves me.  There must be many who have felt the sharp bite of over-pressed 300 thread count linens.  I’m sure countless women suffer from hyperextension due to weighty diamonds stretching their left arms.  Personally, I almost froze solid on a bus with an overactive air conditioner.  I’d recommend extensive therapy to help you overcome the trauma of your privileged childhood.  Without it, you’re likely to choke on your silver spoon.


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